I Was In Love Once...

But my heart got broken, so I haven't loved since. Don't get me wrong, I have tried... twice, in fact. But I've given up on that prayer. So now what? Do I just date around, or do I try again to fall in love. Maybe I'll never be able to love another person like I did that one man, so what is the point in trying? Grant it, I would never be able to love that man again because of what he did to me. But is it fair to any other guy to try dating him when in reality, no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to love him like I should?

My heart has grown so cold to loving anyone, it's hard to believe that I care for some people like I do. I laugh in the face of marriage. My father had a beautiful sermon on marriage and divorce on Sunday, but that sermon confirmed the fact that I never ever want to get married. The praise team sang a song called There is None Like You. During the sermon, I wrote all over the bulletin these words from that song:

I could search for all eternity long and find
There is none like You

So do I give up all together on finding that "special someone", because I know fully well that I will never be able to love someone like that again? Love was once an amazing thing to my soul. To be in love and to be loved back was all I ever wanted. I wanted that knight in shining armor to come and rescue me from everything. Now I wish that every knight in shining armor would be killed by the most fearsome dragon, that the castle will be attacked by every hideous creature alive, and that every happy ending will go down the drain... just like my love did.

True Love... who believes in that crap anymore? At least that's what I think.

I was in love once...

I Believe In You

This song is my dream.....

Aren't you the little one

That hid in my arms afraid of the thunder

Are these the little hands

That held so tight to mine

Didn't we both agree you'd never grow up

And now here we are, and here you go

Of all the things I want to say

The thing you really need to know is...

I believe in you

I believe in you

Everything you are

Everything you are becoming

And I believe in you

I believe in you

So spread your wings and fly

On the winds of knowing

I always believe in you

So many prayers we've prayed

So many dreams to get to this moment

Now this is where we stay

While you go change the world

But I'll be where I have always been

Up in the stands cheering you on and singing this song

A song the very God who made you

Has been singing all along

I believe in you

Yeah, I believe in you

So spread your wings and fly

On the winds of knowing

I will always believe in you

And when you rise and when you fall

I'll still believe in you

Just close your eyes and hear me calling

I believe in You

Oh, I believe in you

~By Steven Curtis Chapman

Explanation

So you all have had the chance to read the song I've posted below for about a week now. Let me give you some hints as to what this song means, especially in my life.

If you change every "she", "her", and "mother" to "he", "him", and "father"... then it should make more sense. Likewise, if you change every "he", "him", and "boy" to "she", "her", and "girl", then that helps out too.

There's so many things people want me to be or people want me to be like and I'd rather be who I want to be whether they like it or not. I realize I'm a pastor's daughter, but that's not who I am... it's what I am. There's more to me than that. I'm not the type of girl to stand on the sidelines and let others choose what's to become of me.

So that's why I posted the song. Cause in this world, I'm going to be alright. I realize people will worry and try to protect me, but I promise I'll be alright. Of course I'll make mistakes along the way, but none to bring me down or make me lose my faith or beliefs in any way. I'm stronger than what some people think.

I promise I'll be alright...

"Be Somebody"

~By 3 Doors Down

The shades gone up

Mother's staring down

She don't know where he's been

Or how long he's been out

She said 'Boy I'm tired of waiting up while your out with your friends'

He said 'Mom I'm tired and I'm living my life the best way that I can'

Cause I'm trying to be somebody

I'm not trying to be somebody else

This life is mine I'm living

Don't you know me? I wont ever let you down

The day has come

The sun is moving on

She don't know where he'll go

Or when he's coming home

She said 'Son take care, don't let your dreams get too far out of sight'

He said 'I love you now, don't worry about me you know I'll be fine'

Cause I'm trying to be somebody

I'm not trying to be somebody else

This life is mine I'm living

Don't you know me? I wont ever let you down

No I'm not trying to be somebody else

Don't you know me? I wont ever let you

I wont ever let you

What they say

What they know

What they think wont ever bring me down

This life is mine and I am my own

I'm trying to be somebody

I'm not trying to be somebody else

This life is mine I lead

Don't you know me?

I'm trying to be somebody

I'm not trying to be somebody else

This life is mine I'm living

Don't you know me? I wont ever let you down

Yeahhh

I'm not trying to be somebody else

Don't you know me? I wont ever let you down

I wont be nobody else

This life is mine and I am my own

Commitments

If there is anything in life that I'm afraid of, this would definitely be at the top. I'm a person of change, so being committed to something for a while starts to bore me. That maybe why I don't like staying with a guy for a while, or can easily move from one guy to another (Something my parents will never understand). I guess this is another reason why I move from major to major and college to college. I sometimes wish I could move from church to church, but God knows that won't happen until I move out. I've been committed to the music program at my church ever since the church began, and sometimes I debate giving it up now.

I became leader of the praise team when my aunt and her family left the church around December. I've enjoyed that leadership role, but at times it seems to be too much for a 20 year old. At my age, there are still things I can't quite understand. For instance, since I've been the leader for, let's say, 7 months, I've had three people drop out. And it's not like it was because of their age or something. See, I've had a 50 year old, a 47 year old, and a 24 year old drop out. Sometimes I wish it was just as easy to walk out of something like they did. I ask myself sometimes, "Was it because of maturity?", or "Was it because they lacked commitment in another area of their life?" Whatever the reason might be, I wish I had the ability to do that.

But at the same time, would I just walk away from that just as easily? Commitments, I believe, make a person what they are today. What kind of person would I be, if I gave up that easily? Believe me, there are many times a day I contemplate leaving the praise team. "My heart's not in it", I will say, but come on, what kind of an excuse is that? That never stopped anyone from doing something. The Lord gave me this opportunity for some strange reason, so I better make the best out of it. God knows I probably could screw this up too, like I do everything else. Sometimes I just feel like I need a break from my everyday life. I've had the same friends since elementary and middle school. I go to church every time I'm suppose to. I work every day I possibly can. It gets old, and I want to get out of it. But God only makes us grow into a better person with these commitments. I just wish I didn't believe that....

So I've been thinking about my life recently... like where I'll be in 5 years or even who I'll be in 5 years. As most people know, I go back and forth with different majors, trying to decide which will fit me the best. Unfortunately, the 5 I've tried haven't been right yet. I often wonder if it's my personality to try different majors. I hate doing the same thing over and over again. So if I stick with only one major for 4 years, it really turns me off. I like variety... lots of variety.

I like many things too. But my interests really have nothing to do with anything I could ever use as my career. For instance, I love Batman stuff. I've read many books about Batman. I could tell you most of the characters and how they became who they are. But how in the world will that help me in life? I love politics. I love talking about it, voicing my opinion about it, and listening to others talk about politics. I love hearing different cases and what swayed certain Justices to decide the way they did. But is that enough to want to do it for the rest of my life? I also love informative books. For instance, I loved reading C.S. Lewis' The Four Loves. Right now, I'm reading The Parables of Peanuts by Robert L. Short. The book is basically about Charles M. Schulz using his comic strip Peanuts as a witnessing tool or parables to teach others about Christ. Very, very interesting. I also strive off of music. I love every type of music... from Christian contemperary to hard core rock. Give me music, and I'm set for life. But will any of things truly get me through the rest of my life?

God only knows!!!

Praying seems to be doing nothing for me at this moment in my life. Taking things into my own hands definitely has not worked. Other people's opinions certainly hasn't really helped too much either. I wish I could see into the future and see the path I need to take. But what fun would that be if you already know your journey? You couldn't really change anything!!!

I also start getting into this attitude like life is too short to worry about what the future holds for me. But at the same time, I should definitely care about what's going to happen to me eventually. Oh my... only time will tell, I guess.

Change

There comes a point in a person's life that some event will change a his or her life forever. I think tomorrow will be that day for me. I have one best friend, that's a girl, in this world... and tomorrow she leaves for Kentucky. It's not like she's going away to college and will return home during holidays or breaks. It's not like she's leaving for a little bit and then coming home to reside here. No, she's moving. Sometimes a person takes for granted what she always had... and now I truly regret that. I love Tyler so incredibly much and it makes me so sad to see her leave. She's the one I would stay up late with talking, baking, and "watching" a movie. She's the only person in the world I can be completely open and honest with about anything and everything. And tomorrow, she's leaving.

I begin to wonder what my life is going to be like now. Will our relationship still be just as strong when she leaves? Will we keep in touch as often as we say we will? Where will I turn when I need a cup of tea and a nice chat with someone?

Tyler is not only my cute, baby cousin, but my best friend who I consider a sister, more than a cousin. I'll definitely visit her, but I'll still be completely depressed as she leaves this state and moves over 9 hours away.